Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.