Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?