[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
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Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
fired
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’