Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

Cucumbers Anonymous

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

Godspeed, John Glenn

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.