Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”