Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

I have many caverns

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

is losing your mind a hobby?

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

Check out the legs on this baby

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”