Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

Going to church you guys need anything

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.