@bingowings14

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

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@AngelaEhh

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

@junejuly12

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

@Ygrene

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

@G_Faylor

[Scientist discovering catfish]

Scientist: What kind of fish are you?

Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*

@Book_Krazy

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

@ArfMeasures

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

@EddieHarris216

It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.

Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.