[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Saturday
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Duck typos.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
