Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

My patience has stretch marks.

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up