Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant