[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Oh the world we live in…
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.