[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
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-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
i was baptized in a car wash
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica