Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
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1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.