Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.