Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
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When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
No laws when master is gone
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.