[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
when she block me on everything
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking