Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Good morning y’all ☀️

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.