Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

I hope this email punches you square in the face

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

ㅤ

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.