Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY