[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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when there are deer in the woods
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.