Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

Florida man

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

Taliband

Holy crap this is wonderful

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men