(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
A game married people play.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.