[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
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my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings