Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.