Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣😂🤣😂

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Seems legit

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.