Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.