[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
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🤣😂🤣😂
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Seems legit
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.