Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

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Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

sugar glider wrangler

A classic…

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals