Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did we not see this back then?

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”