Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.