Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

“That’s what” – She

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.