Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

😭🤣

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS