Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?