Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

All is fair in drunk and war.

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER