[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
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Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.