[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
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“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.