[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
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Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Does your wife know you’re single?
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.