Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre