CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows