[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.