Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed