[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
car not found
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
