Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

I will never stop laughing at this

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?