[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Breaking news:
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
