[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
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No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.