[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Roombas should bark
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
WHY?!
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
