“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
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If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
socratic questions
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I thought this was funny lol
