“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
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I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*