Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

Breaking news:

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.