Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

Only a mother’s love …

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]