Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.