Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*