[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
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WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*