Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.