[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
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its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
This week’s mood.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?