Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.