Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there