Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.