Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

Brother?

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.