Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

Guys, I found it.

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

taking June’s advice to heart

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?