Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

Me trying to look natural in photos

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.