Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.