Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

let’s discuss

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.