Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.