Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

the noise i just made