Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.