Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
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2017 whatsapp notification:
Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Thank you for the “avi is not me” disclaimer in your bio. I was thinking David Hasselhoff sure isn’t very popular on here with 13 followers
2 just lectured me for not having bacon in the house and brought me my shoes and pants….how’s your Sunday going?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
If your partner/spouse tells you they’re not reading everything you tweet:
A) they’re lying
B) hi honey!
Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf
Guy: do you mean polo?
Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.