[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
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Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Always a housemaid, never a house.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.