@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

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@SuitableHolmes

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

@ZaynabHashem2

2017 whatsapp notification:

Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you

@better_off_dad

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

@mattgallo123

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

@Queen_Sassy_AF

Thank you for the “avi is not me” disclaimer in your bio. I was thinking David Hasselhoff sure isn’t very popular on here with 13 followers

@Ketih_the_Yeti

2 just lectured me for not having bacon in the house and brought me my shoes and pants….how’s your Sunday going?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

@GayAtHomeDad

If your partner/spouse tells you they’re not reading everything you tweet:

A) they’re lying
B) hi honey!

@thenatewolf

Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf

Guy: do you mean polo?

Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes

@ladybroseph

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.