Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

Me too door. Me too.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Good morning, Twitter x

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare