Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

Important reminders

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying