Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you