Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

Did I do this right

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

Acronyms got me like WTF?

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*