Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.