Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?