Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,